Help Your Teen Ease the Pressure of College Planning

Jessica Orenstein, a behavioral scientist at The Jed Foundation (JED), recently spoke with BigFuture about her advice for families, including how to keep well-being top of mind and navigate conversations with teens during the college exploration process. JED helped to develop BigFuture's Their Future, Their Fit, featuring seven conversations that parents, families, and mentors can start with teens to support the college planning at home.

How do I bring up college without adding stress?

Start with what you notice and keep the conversations ongoing.

If your teen seems stressed about the process, open with an observation rather than a judgment. Name a specific stressor, like "I know college applications have a deadline coming up, and that's been really intense for you." This shows your teen that you've noticed what they're dealing with.

Treat this as an ongoing dialogue, not a single conversation you need to get right. Trying to cover everything at once adds to the overwhelm your teen already feels. If the conversation gets too heavy, it's okay to pause and resume at another time.

Try this:

• Open with what you notice, using observation-based questions.
• Name a specific stressor.
• Don't go into a conversation trying to cover everything. Check in often.
• Know when to tap out. If the conversation feels overwhelming or your teen is shutting down, stop and come back to it later.

Is it normal for my teen to feel like one wrong move could ruin their future?

Your teen is not alone. In fact, based on a College Board survey of college freshmen, 70% said they worried a single mistake could keep them from going to a good college.

But that worry doesn't match reality.

A lot of this pressure comes from external influences, from social media to peers' perceptions. Big decisions can feel life-changing because everyone says they are. Teens are still developing their executive functioning and emotional regulation skills, which can make setbacks feel big and permanent.

"Let's not create an environment where it feels so catastrophic." – Jessica Orenstein, The Jed Foundation

Try putting yourself in your teen's place. Think about the decisions you've made as an adult. Many weren't life changing, and when something didn't work out, you got to try again. That's likely true for your teen too.

Instead of: "Your future hinges on this decision."

Try: "Mistakes happen." Remind your teen that no single choice or experience defines them and that they can try again.

What if my teen has their heart set on only one school?

Ask why, then show them that many schools can be the right fit.

Many teens gravitate toward a small number of well-known schools, based on rankings, athletic standing, and other factors. Part of the pull can be pressure. Society tells teens they have to go to certain schools, and those schools are very hard to get into. If a teen doesn't get in, they may feel they're lacking and wonder what that says about them as a person.

Start by asking what about that school attracts your teen. It helps them feel heard, and it gives you the opportunity to learn more about what they're really looking for, such as a program, a community, or a way of life.

Those characteristics are what can make a school a good fit, and they may show up at other schools too. That lets your teen shift from "What school do I want to go to?" to "What matters most to me, and where can I find it?" There are many paths to success.

Fit also involves trade-offs between cost and other factors. A school with a strong program might be larger than your teen pictured, or a great financial aid package might come from a school farther from home. Talking those through together helps your teen find the right fit academically, financially, and emotionally.

"They may not be in the top 5. They may not be in the top 10. They may not be on that prestigious school list, but they are very prestigious in their own right." – Jessica Orenstein, The Jed Foundation

Try this:

• Ask what about a school attracts your teen.
• Look for other schools with similar characteristics.
• Remind your teen that there are many paths to success.

What if my teen misses a deadline or makes a mistake?

Course correct and praise what goes well.

If your teen misses a deadline, think about how to course correct. You might call the admissions office, if that's an option, or limit phone use for the day, so your teen can focus on getting things to the admissions office before it's too late.

Correcting is only half of it. Your teen also needs to hear what they're doing well, and that's easy to lose sight of when you're focused on a mistake.

"There are so many ways that we can course correct if something goes wrong, but there are just as many ways to give praise, and praise should always be given when someone does something right." – Jessica Orenstein, The Jed Foundation

Strengths are a good place to start. Report cards, test scores, and feedback from teachers and coaches can help you name what your teen is good at, such as communication, collaboration, or leadership.

Try this:

• When a deadline is missed, work out together how to course correct.
• Give your teen praise when they do something well.

Am I doing this right?

It's their journey, and your guidance matters.

You don't have to have all the answers. It's okay to say, "I don't know." Think of yourself as the co-pilot. Your teen is in the driver's seat, and you're there in the passenger seat to help them steer or brake when necessary.

The pressure is on both of you. Stressful moments will happen, and it's okay to make mistakes and to admit them. Be there for one another and keep the conversation open and ongoing.

"This journey is something you're a part of, but this isn't your journey. This is your teen's journey. Don't live through them. They need your guidance." – Jessica Orenstein, The Jed Foundation

Try this:

• Offer help without taking over the decision.
• Admit your mistakes when you make them.
• Be there for one another.